The Knighting of King Kelson
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The Knighting of King Kelson

By: Beverly Allen


The Knighting of King Kelson is the Bee's attempt to 

fill in a gap in The Quest for Saint Camber

namely, the logistics of getting Kelson onto his knees before 

his Uncle Nigel at the beginning of Chapter 3



(Or: How Kelson Haldane Wound Up on His Knees before 

Uncle Nigel on the Night of His Knighting)

As it might have been written by Gilbert & Sullivan

And performed by Monty Python


Scene: the Royal Hall of Rhemuth Castle. As the curtain rises, King Kelson is seated on his throne on the dais, surrounded by his court. Enter Prince Nigel, followed by Dukes Alaric, Duncan and Ewan. They bow to Kelson, then Nigel goes to right stage front. The other dukes gather around Nigel to sing backup.

(Tune: “I Am the Monarch of the Sea” from H.M.S. Pinafore):



We’re going to knight the king tonight!

We’re going to knight him in plain sight!

Dukes: His Majesty’s 18th was the 14th of November.
We hope our Haldane will have a knighting to remember.
Behold, all ye present, whether royal rank or page:
Kelsonus Rex, of rightly knightly age!
King Kelson rises, takes center stage.

(Tune: “My Name is John Wellington Wells” from The Sorcerer):

Kelson:  I’m Kelson C.R.A. Haldane,
Over Gwynedd’s great realm I do reign,
And since I’ve turned eighteen
A knighthood's been waiting,
Which state ‘twill elate to attain.
Kelson reseats himself. Nigel approaches and kneels before the throne.
Nigel: Your Majesty, a boon I beg: to knight thee.
Kelson: To be a knight, methinks it will delight me. 
At a gesture from Kelson, he and Nigel both rise. Kelson doffs his crown and tosses it into the air, where it vanishes overhead. As he starts to kneel, he sees a grinning Uncle Nigel advancing on him with sword drawn. Dodging the blade, Kelson leaps to his feet and bolts. Nigel chases Kelson around the hall, brandishing the sword, until Best Buddy Dughal sticks out his foot and trips Kelson, sending His Majesty sprawling dazed on the dais. Bishops Arilan & Cardiel approach, wearing their most ceremonial vestments and most pious expressions.

(Tune: “My Object All Sublime” from The Mikado):

Arilan & Cardiel: Bend now the royal knee,
Forget all pow’r and pelf.
E’en mighty monarch must humble be
When homage he pays himself.

The bishops withdraw. Duke Alaric approaches. Spurred (in gold, of course) on by the Duke of Corwyn, Knight-candidate Kelson kneels before the throne, offering homage to King Kelson, who sits on the throne, receiving homage.


(Tune: “I’m Called Little Buttercup” from H.M.S. Pinafore):

Kelson & Kelson: My most fervent fealty 
I pledge My Majesty;
With me I solemn vows share,
In field and in castle to
Be liege and vassal true;
All this I ne’er will forswear.
Payne (aside to Rory): Now is he a knight?
Rory (aside to Payne):  Not yet. Not quite.
As Kelson starts to rise, Jehana approaches and belts him.
Kelson: Oww!! Mom!!! (Falls back to his knees)

(Tune: “Good Morrow, Good Mother” from Iolanthe):

Jehana: The vows you vow knightly,
Oh daily renew them!
And ne’er vow them lightly, 
But dutifully do them!
Nigel: Prepare thou to feel now
Unswerving cold steel now!
Before low and lord folks,
With one (Whack!) two (Whack!) three (Whack!) swordstrokes,
I dub thee Sir Kelson Cinhil Rhys Anthony Haldane-
Clergy: Amen! -
Nigel: Henceforth for the rest of thy reign!
Sir King Kelson rises and resumes his seat on his throne as the knights begin to sing. 

(Tune: “He’s Going to Marry Yum-Yum” from The Mikado):

Knights: Stand you up, Sir Kelson, and sit you down!
Place royal self’s own seat on royalty’s throne-seat,
And hearing the cheering resound all round, 
To cranium now restore crown!

Now all the rites are all done right,
And Kelson is a knight tonight.

Pay homage, all within this hall:
Behold our King, the Kingly Knight!

As his subjects kneel before their king, Kelson’s crown finally falls back down. Landing on his head, it slips lopsided over one eye. 
Nigel: Good Knight, Your Majesty!
Curtain Falls




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